This Wednesday night marks the return of American Horror Story on FX with the new story arc “Coven.” This makes me happier than Buffalo Bill wearing Kate Upton’s skin!
It was unimaginable to me that a television show could ever come close to measuring up to my favorite horror films, but AHS has managed to conjure up all of the most terrifying, stomach-turning, vertigo-inducing nightmares a “gore whore” like me could ever hope for…and that’s just the opening credits!
So, in honor of the most horrorifically disturbing show on television, I wanted to celebrate those truly heebie jeebie moments that really made me shed my skin. It goes without saying…there are spoilers ahead!
OMG, Violet’s Been Dead This Whole Time! Season 1. Episode 10, “Smoldering Children”: Many AHS aficionados called this, but Violet being dead for weeks was a complete mindfuck to me. The entire lead up to finding her rotting corpse was bat shit perfection. From a Truancy officer showing up and discovering blowflies in the house, to Violet disappearing from her father’s car every time he drove out the driveway, it was crazy and amazing: “craymazing.” Plus, the visual of her body in full rigor mortis with maggots all over it was one of the most gruesomely sad images from the entire Season.
The BJ of Death! Season 1, Episode 7. “Open House” There’s no shortage of weird sex on American Horror Story but nothing was weirder or more shocking than the BJ with bite in the basement. Our favorite maid, young Moira, took a potential buyer, Joe Escandarian, of Murder House to the basement and proceeded to BITE OFF his member while giving him arguably the worst BJ of all time. Lucky for Joe he was quickly strangled to death. Ouch! Truly shocking and terrifying for men everywhere.
BOOM, ADDY’S GONE! Season 1, Episode 4, “Halloween Part 1” The most batshit crazy thing about Addy’s demise was how simple it was. She was hit by a car doing something super sweet: trick or treating [editor's favorite quote of this episode: "I don't want to be Snoopy, I want to be a pretty girl!"]. The simplicity of her death, just walking across the street, reminded us that no one was sacred on this show and anything could happen to anyone at anytime.
Maroon 5 Singer Loses a Limb Season 2, Episode 1, “Welcome To Briarcliff” Asylum had a lot of bat shittiness to live up to and they didn’t skip a (heart pounding) beat. We followed a hot young couple played by Adam Levine and Jenna Dewan Tatum as they went frolicking into the abandon mental hospital looking for bucket list places to play hide the salami when the obligatory creepy noise stops them mid hump. Then…they tore Adam Levine’s fucking arm off!!! Proving once again that being a guest star on AHS always ends badly (or really, really well if you’re into that kind of bat shittiness.)
THREDSON IS BLOODY FACE! Season 2. Episode 5. “I am Anne Frank Part 2” Our now good ol’ friend Lana finally escapes Briarcliff only to learn that her trusted Doctor is actually Bloody Face. What’s most batshit about it? All the creepy custom human furniture around his house: nipple lampshades, candy bowls made of skulls. Bat shit crazy and utterly creepy, made me pull a Chinatown and scream, “Thredson is Bloody Face! Bloody Face is Thredson!” for hours.
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