The Syfy Channel specializes in making movies you never knew you wanted to see. You probably don’t spend much of your day thinking about either chupacabras or The Alamo, much less the two of them together. No matter. Brace yourself for Chupacabra vs. The Alamo.
Whenever there is a “vs.” in the title of a Syfy movie, it is always best when the absurdity is fully embraced. Such is the case here. It is pretty much full-on bonkers for most of its running time, which makes it mostly entertaining in a “that is totally ridiculous” kind of way. You will see things that are truly amazing.
The action kicks off at the U.S./Mexico border. Some bad guys are engaging in criminal activities at some sort of tunnel. Before they can complete their task, they are attacked and slaughtered by something unsee
Cut to our hero, a DEA agent named Carlos (Erik Estrada). Carlos is the kind of DEA agent whose official vehicle is actually a motorcycle, which he rides everywhere. So the DEA isn’t as rigid as you thought. Carlos is your standard Syfy hero. He is a grieving widower with a sullen teenage daughter who is always breaking the rules and a son who has turned to a life of crime. Making matters worse, he’s also got a major chupacabra problem.
The story beats are familiar. Law enforcement investigates the initial tunnel massacre, along with more strange killings. People are skeptical, and slowly but surely they come to realize that rabid chupacabras are on a rampage. And, as the title suggests, it all culminates in a last stand at The Alamo.
Fortunately the perfunctory storytelling is irrelevant. Once the crazy starts, which is early on, it never really stops. So, among other things, you get to see a chupacabra open a door with its mouth, various household items (iron, microwave, bread slicer) effectively used as weapons, and several hilarious green screen shots of Carlos riding his motorcycle.
That’s not all folks. Chupacabras somehow determine exactly where Carlos’s teen daughter is hiding in San Antonio. They also go on a rampage at an outdoor party and bite off the, ah, private parts of one unlucky teen. There’s also a great shot of a huge pack of the creatures running down a highway towards San Antonio.
The DEA’s unorthodox methods are also highly amusing. To fight back against the chupacabras, Carlos turns to his gangster son. His son enlists his gangster friends, and soon the DEA and well-armed drug dealers join forces to defeat the hungry creatures. This results in great lines like “I’m down for the hood.”
On the downside, Estrada is pretty terrible, even by Syfy standards. He overdoes everything, utilizing extreme reactions and expressions that are never necessary. The chupacabras themselves are also fairly uninspired. They resemble skinny, mean dogs and are not menacing at all despite their ability to tear people limb from limb.
In the end those are minor issues. This movie is bonkers in all the right ways and overcomes its limitations by never shying away from its lunacy.
Chupacabra vs. The Alamo airs on Syfy this Saturday night at 9 pm EST.