Approach with caution, gents
Carola (Tales from the Darkside: The Movie)
As a down on his luck artist named Preston, James Remar (Dexter‘s Dad) gets a second lease on life upon stumbling out of a bar drunk and seeing his buddy get beheaded at the hands of a gargoyle. He strikes a bargain with the beast to never speak of the murder ever. In return, he gets to walk away with all limbs intact.
Preston abides by this and subsequently meets Carola, played by â€˜80s stalwart Rae Dawn Chong (Commando). In record time – perhaps defeating Tom Atkin’s “we just met, let’s have sex!” fling with Jamie Lee Curtis in The Fog – Preston sleeps with Carola and the two are hooked on one another. His career flourishes, their relationship becomes a success, they make babies and then Preston spills the beans on that fateful night he was nearly filleted by a monster.
Little does he know Carola is the creature, a gargoyle just lookin’ for love and by breaking his promise to her, Carola and her tykes are forced to reveal their true nature. For Preston, “honesty” is his punishment. Sucker.
Lady Marsh (Lair of the White Worm)
Before Elizabeth Hurley and before that rendezvous with Divine Brown, Hugh Grant had to contend with Lady Sylvia Marsh (Amanda Donohoe) in Ken Russell’s trippy production about snake gods and women with serpentine fangs. Marsh is a sultry number who isn’t shy in picking up male travelers and putting the bite on ’em. Nothing a snake venom antidote can’t handle…or pliers, just yank those teeth right on out.
Satanico Pandemonium (From Dusk Till Dawn)
We have a feeling this gal, who resides south of the border, would get along just fine with the aforementioned Lady Marsh. They could have a picnic. Discuss snake worship. You get the picture.
Satanico is the main attraction at the Titty Twister. She puts on a helluva show, holds her own in a bar full of bikers and has Danny Trejo introducing her every performance. She can also easily brush off George Clooney’s tattooed charm, unfortunately, she lets her bitchy quips get the best of her during a fight making Satanico best seen and not heard. Watch on.
Two significant things happens in this film. Michael Madsen gets a shot at playing a hero and a group of crackerjack scientists mix alien with human DNA. The results on both fronts are messy. Concerning the latter, however, the outcome is a horny hybrid nicknamed Sil.
During her adolescent years, she looks like Michelle Williams (in her pre-Dawson’s Creek days) and likes to eat a lot. And when she escapes on a train, Sil devours a ton of food, sprouts tentacles from her pores and enters a cocoon stage where she transforms into fashion model turns actress Natasha Henstridge. Puberty isn’t so tough for Sil if you look past the phallic worms that encompass your body pre-transformation.
The good for mankind? Sil is a looker. Even if she is a bit naÃ¯ve to our human ways. The bad? If you get her in the sack, she immediately gets preggers and starts talking about “it” growing in her womb. Talk about a buzz-kill. The really bad? If you’re a club-hopping douche with an STD, she’ll just kill you with any number of things, from her titty tentacles to her sharp tongue.
Space Girl (Lifeforce)
In one word: Ridiculous.
In Tobe Hooper’s rowdy sci-fi/horror concoction, Steve Railsback is an astronaut on a space mission who hooks up with Mathilda May, space vixen, aka, life force-sucking vampire that takes the guise of a stunning woman.
May and her companions come to earth and embark on a make-out frenzy with anyone that comes across their path. Railsback’s young co-star, mind you, walks around most of the film naked until her life force dominates poor Patrick Stewart’s body for a bit and the hard-ons of every male viewer go flaccid (that is, unless Stewart’s your type of fella).
Hooper brings May back in all of her birthday suit glory for Lifeforce‘s whacked-out finale which involves zombies, streaks of light flying through London, residents dying left and right and giant space bats.
Again: Ridiculous. But this is why we love it.
Source: Shock Till You Drop